Tuesday, September 29, 2009

coming home?

Noun a return home, esp. after a long absence

This job search has taken me from one end of the state to the other. After I set aside the logistical headaches of moving, I start to feel the heady rush of a maybe-homecoming. I've spent the last almost-decade hiding in Southern California. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I've become used to sunny skies, sandy beaches, and happy people.

I (used to) want to move to the East Coast. I crave(d) the idea of starting new. Maybe part of the reason why I wanted to move stemmed from a subconscious desire to get as far away from my hometown as possible without moving out of the country.

I'm afraid to go back to Northern California for a number of reasons. I fear that I won't have lived up to my expectations. I loathe living in the shadow of comparisons. I don't want to revert to my old self. Names, memories, and street names may fade, but those residual feelings hang in the air. It's taken me many years to understand that it's not normal or healthy to live with that kind of shame and regret.

I guess I just need to prove to myself that I've come a long way. Every time I visit my family, I feel jumbly and confused. I don't know how I will feel to live there again if I ever move up north. I think it will be very strange.

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