I've chugged about a bottle of wine in the last half hour, so I really shouldn't be blogging right now. Then again, I'm a mass of contradictions and a hypocrite to boot. I despise drunk texts and dials and yet I am spilling my guts out on this thing. I think tonight's blog will be a testament to what a stickler I am regarding spelling, grammar, and punctuation. No matter how many drinks I have in me.
Anyway, I wanted to just come right out and say that I failed the bar exam. I am reeling from shock and disappointment, yes, but most of all from pure embarrassment. Serves me right. I really thought I passed. I was really confident about it, to the point where I returned my Barbri books for a refund check. I didn't sweat the last few months. I told my family and friends about my job offer (now rescinded). I looked for apartments in Los Angeles. I already started spending the money in my head. So I will swallow this as a lesson in humility and maturity. Don't count your chickens until they've hatched.
I think what makes this whole process especially painful is that I gave it my all. If I had half-assed my studying, then I could chalk it up to lack of effort and set it aside easily. This time, I took it seriously, studied by myself, eliminated all distractions. If I was tired, I forced myself to finish one more essay, just a few more multiple choice problems. I stopped spending time with friends. I felt focused. I actually thought that the bar exam wasn't so bad. It's harder to brush aside this incident and find additional reserves if I've already used them up.
The worst part is being at home for this shit to go down (excuse my language). I decided to spend Thanksgiving with my parents a weekend early because I am working Thanksgiving weekend. My dad sat beside me when he found out that I failed and he was very quiet while I frantically typed in the numbers over and over. He told me that every path has a stop sign or a stop light (meaning a minor setback does not change your ultimate path).
I know that tomorrow, I will recover and stop feeling sorry for myself. I know that I will just study again, take the test again, and that this will be another good learning experience for me.
But. Right now, I just feel so shitty and alone and ridiculous.
Life can change so quickly. One second, you are almost-employed, excited to move. The next second, your wheels and your ego are just spinning in the mud.