blind

I woke up this morning, traumatized, because I dreamt that someone tortured me by picking at my eyes with an icepick until they were bloody cesspools. Luckily, I could still see but I told my attacker that I went blind in order to throw him off the trail and escape.

coming home?

Home-com-ing
Noun a return home, esp. after a long absence

This job search has taken me from one end of the state to the other. After I set aside the logistical headaches of moving, I start to feel the heady rush of a maybe-homecoming. I've spent the last almost-decade hiding in Southern California. As much as I fought it in the beginning, I've become used to sunny skies, sandy beaches, and happy people.

I (used to) want to move to the East Coast. I crave(d) the idea of starting new. Maybe part of the reason why I wanted to move stemmed from a subconscious desire to get as far away from my hometown as possible without moving out of the country.

I'm afraid to go back to Northern California for a number of reasons. I fear that I won't have lived up to my expectations. I loathe living in the shadow of comparisons. I don't want to revert to my old self. Names, memories, and street names may fade, but those residual feelings hang in the air. It's taken me many years to understand that it's not normal or healthy to live with that kind of shame and regret.

I guess I just need to prove to myself that I've come a long way. Every time I visit my family, I feel jumbly and confused. I don't know how I will feel to live there again if I ever move up north. I think it will be very strange.

passing

Yesterday, I found out that one of my childhood classmates had passed away. None of my hometown friends know the details, except that it happened in the middle of a basketball game. Word of his untimely passing spread like a virus through our Facebook walls.

I feel sympathy and empathy for his friends and family and for the life that he could have lived. Beyond that, I can't muster up grief because I simply did not know him very well. He was just an acquaintance. Still, it's shocking and difficult to accept. I feel all sorts of weird about it. I didn't really want to talk about it but I've long since learned that it's always healthier to just get it out.

It's selfish of me to make his passing about ME ME ME, but I've managed to do that once again. It weirds me out to know that he is dead. It weirds me out to think that he won't be walking around anymore. It weirds me out to realize that we could all drop down dead at any moment. I can't help but wonder how I would react if any of my close friends or family members passed away. I don't know how to grieve properly or accept the inevitable. I live in a tiny bubble of my own making and it protects me from being hurt.

Still, I can't avoid attachments to other people. Hearing the news about my childhood classmate just spurs me to create and cultivate meaningful relationships with the important people in my life. I'm grateful for my family and friends.

Life is too damn short. RIP.

presenting... deep fried butter!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32665106/ns/today-today_food_and_wine/

I lovelovelove butter, and this is almost too much to bear...

growing old

I work in an assisted living facility. I'm not going to tell you where it's located, what I do, or who works there. I'm trying to hold onto some semblance of anonymity because it's never prudent to blog about work. Nonetheless, I blog about my life, and my life includes work, so I will try to write about it with balanced sensitivity and candor. I want to leave out significant details without losing the essence of my stories.

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This is one incident that I have been mulling over in my head for a few days. It concerns a resident who lives at the facility. She is tiny and sits all day in her wheelchair with a big smile and clouded eyes. She used to be a professional dancer. Although she has deteriorated physically, she is still mentally sharp.

A few days ago, after waking up in the morning and getting ready for breakfast, she told her caregiver that she was scared.

"Why are you scared?" asked the caregiver.

She replied, covering her face, "I don't recognize myself in the mirror because the woman in it is so old and ugly."

---

My confession: I'm living in a fantasy world. Even though I work with the legal and emotional consequences of aging, I can't really come to terms with the fact that even I will die someday. I can't even accept the fact that I'll grow wrinkles. Working here is a daily reminder of my own mortality and it scares me sometimes.

That's the cold reality of the facility. Death serves as the ultimate equalizer. No matter how beautiful, rich, or successful we are in life, none of us can avoid the dance of death. If we have the opportunity to grow old, we will bear witness to transforming bodies and minds. Will I also wake up one day to find gnarled jowls, surprising age spots, and sagging skin? Will I also find myself old and ugly?

I can only hope that if and when I find myself fully in "senior" territory, I will be able to live out the rest of my life with a modicum of dignity.

writer's workshop?

Hi all,

I've researched every writing workshop/class available in San Diego, such as those offered at local universities and those offered by community organizations (San Diego Writers, Ink http://www.sandiegowriters.org). Has anyone taken writing classes offered in this city? Can you describe your experience with it? More importantly, what can I expect from my first creative writing class?

Thanks!

celebrity crushes

Suz and I watched the new movie "Extract" a few nights ago. We watched it because we both enjoy lowbrow humor and share an appreciation for Jason Bateman. The movie was amusing. I enjoyed some awkward scenes and particularly fine acting (I'm referring to some of the hilarious blue collar workers, Gene Simmons, and Ben Affleck). However, the plot moved slowly. I doubt that I would have seen the movie if not for Bateman.

In any case, I started thinking about my improbable celebrity crushes and making a list of them:

Will Arnett's character Gob Bluth
Rainn Wilson's character Dwight Schrute
Charlie Day's character Charlie Kelly
Clive Owen
Val Kilmer
Eric Bana

I wonder what the list says about me! There seem to be two types of guys here: 1) strange, socially awkward, crazy and 2) manly and stoic. HA.