What have I been doing?

If you asked me what I have been up to lately, I really wouldn't be able to say. My days are bleeding together again.

I've stared at a lot study room racing stripes. A few months ago, the good people at the university spruced up the study rooms and stairwells by painting racing stripes on the walls, presumably to break up the monotony.

I could tell you which bathroom stalls are the cleanest and when the afternoon glare sets in. I know the best time to get a parking spot and I remember all of the library hours. Beyond that, I'm not sure if I'm even retaining the information. Every element, rule, and exception feels like a wilted refrigerator magnet. Everything threatens to peel off and slip onto the floor at any time. I'm running out of space. If I shake my head too fast, information will go flying out of my ears! I'm only kind of kidding.

Sometimes I feel annoyed when people tell me how certain they are that I will pass the second time around. I know they mean well and I appreciate the good intentions. There is no rational explanation for why I am annoyed by their kind words of encouragement, except that it's a mix of fear and hurt pride and generally being sick of the bar hanging over my head. I guess I just want things to be normal, to discuss recipes and news and happy things with my family and friends and acquaintances, rather than rehash things that I don't feel like I can control.

In the end, I keep reminding myself that I am thankful to have made it this far. I am lucky to have the opportunity to even take this test. It's easy to forget how much I used to enjoy learning when everything hinges on three days.

---

On a random note, I've always assumed that "dirigible" is synonymous with "morsel" or "nugget." As in, I picked up some delicious little dirigibles at the market. I pictured something quaint and rustic. Today, I learned that it actually refers to some sort of blimp or zeppelin or aircraft. It was a relief to find out because if I ever used it in in conversation, I would look like a fool.

Still, I rather liked pretending that the word referred to food rather than aircraft.