Confession: I wanted to like "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen."
I'm not pretending to be some sort of movie buff/snob. I enjoy many summer movies for what they are - entertaining, mindless fun. But that doesn't mean I enjoy being hit over the head repeatedly.
It was Saturday night. We had already spent most of our beautiful Saturday in another class and a few fruitless hours at the library. So two of my classmates and I decided to take some time off studying and watch the new Transformers movie.
Anyway, here's the quick summary - Shia, our dorky young hero, is all set to go to college when Optimus Prime calls on him. Optimus Prime sacrifices himself to save Shia. Shia's mission is to resurrect Optimus Prime with fairy dust. Everyone wins, robot butts are kicked.
Alas, even Megan Fox's piercing green eyes and push-up bra couldn't save it. I think Richard summed it up best when, half way through the movie, he whispered to us, "I'd rather be doing MBE problems."
First, the positives: the transforming machines were kind of fun.
Sorry, that's all I've got.
I felt bad for the robots. I started to pray that movie would be over soon, that Shia would never reach Optimus Prime, and that someone would put these poor robots out of their misery.
It was as though Michael Bay needed to beef up the script by throwing in every teenage movie cliche possible: Boy must embrace his destiny as a leader. Boy tries to run away from destiny. Mom eats pot brownie and embarrasses boy. Parents keep popping up at heart-wrenching moments for some good ol' fashioned bonding. Boy and girl refuse to say "I love you to each other." Boy "dies" and girl screams "I love you." Boy wakes up from stupor and says "I love you" back. Passionate kissing ensues. There were so many cringe-worthy scenes that I spent most of my three hours in the fetal position.
Richard and I decided to write and exchange reviews of the movie. See below for his hilarious review:
"For those of you who don't know, I have been studying for the bar for the better part of 6 weeks. This is an all consuming experience, and basically means I put in 9 am-9 pm days everyday, memorizing law in the hopes I pass. I wanted a break this weekend so I decided to take Saturday night off. I put in 3 hours of studying and called it a night. I went out to dinner with my family and thought... "Hey, why not see a movie?" So with my little brother and 2 classmates in tow I watched "Transformers 2: Megan Fox runs in slow motion a lot."
I wasted a perfectly good evening. But first the pros. Megan Fox is still very pretty, and she prances around a lot in booty shorts, skin tight jeans and stares seductively in the camera pouting her lips. Excellent. Now for everything else. Let me say, I would have been more fulfilled covering the tv screen with Vaseline, putting a paper bag over my head and popping in a porno and turning it on mute. Where do I even start? First, Tyrese reprises his role and is basically stuck making obvious. It's like the directors had no idea what to do with black actors. The jive talking robots are something you need to see to believe. It makes Jar Jar Binks look like Nelson Mandela. Also, the whole draw of this movie is watching kick ass robots beat the crap out of each other. All the transformers are this gray-steel color, so in the end, all the fight scenes look like a jumbled mess. You could get the same effect if you imagine throwing a washing machine into a ball pit, but the pit is filled with dented soup cans instead of plastic balls.
Good god. And the dialogue. The "dialogue." Essentially, if you commissioned a 14 year old boy to write love poems, you'd get half the result with this script. I kid you not, half the movie is about waiting for Shia Lebouf to say "I love you" to Megan Fox. Also, there is pixie dust and robot heaven. I'll let you figure that one out for yourself. The movie is also 2 1/2 hours long. That's about 45 minutes too long, especially when all you want to see is robots fighting and Megan Fox. You get to see her underwear by the way, so that was pretty awesome. Speaking of that scene...ugh, just watch it, I think it was a showcase for the Charlotte Russe fall collection, Megan Fox made 3 wardrobe changes in 2 minutes. I know it's difficult to rationalize and conceptualize. Just watch it and you will be baffled as me.
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being horrible, 5 being awesome and 10 being horrible again, I give this movie a "how the hell is a student price ticket $10.50" stars."
And see Charlie Jane Ander's review, which might possibly be one of the funniest reviews I've ever read: "Michael Bay Finally Made An Art Movie."